These last few weeks I've been doing a lot of soul searching, thinking and more thinking. I thought about all the good, the bad and the most horrible things I've experienced in my life. Nope my life hasn't been perfect and will never be and nope I haven't always made the best decesions in life. I realize that there are a lot of things that need to be adjusted and changed altogether.
Through out my life I have always secluded myself, doing my own thing and I didn't care too much to participate in a lot of things. Did I make friends? Sure I did but my friends were very limited. Some of those people I have kept in touch with and most of them I couldn't tell you where on earth they are today. I'm sure if we were to either run into each other or meet on social media it would be cool and we'd spend a few minutes catching up but frankly that's not my priority anymore.
Since becoming a wife and mother I've come to realize that they are my one and only priority. The friends I have today are people that are there for me and my little family. People that I can count on no matter what. They are people that accept me as I am and don't question who I am, where I've been and what I've done. They are people that make me feel a part of their lives as much as I make them a part of mine.
I have lots of family yet only a handful make me feel loved and appreciated and that's fine too. Just because we're related doesn't necessary mean we have to always get along or be together all the time. Sometimes it's hard to accept but that's life and hell what can we do right?
I am learning that we don't always have to be accepted and if we're not that's that person's issue. From personal experience I have learned that the things we say or do can cut someone's self esteem to the very very least bit and hurt someone to the core. I also know this to be true because its happened to me as well. So changing what I say and do in reference to others. I'd hate to be the cause of any madness in anyone's life.
Another thing changing is my need to please others. I'm often left looking stupid and annoyed and plain hurt by others and their inconsideration but I'm pretty good at picking myself up dusting things off and keeping things moving. It's sometimes a hard lesson to learn but we do it and move on.
I wish that I could adopt my husbands I don't give a rip what others think attitude. We have many conversations about that and he constantly counsels me about that and letting things go for myself. In order to be happy I pretty much need to rid of negative things in people form, material things and most important the negative things I feel about myself. I knew that hahahahaha....
I go for long walks with one of the greatest women I've ever met, my friend Maile every morning. We walk 2 hours a day and the talks we have are some of the best talks I've ever had with anyone! She inspires me and encourages me. She's had many of the same struggles that I have had and continue to have yet she turns every negative into a positive. Something I totally need to learn to do!!!
I swear she and I messed up and she got on the wrong family wagon in heaven lol I'm kidding. She has one of the best loving families ever and so do I. My sister and my dad are irreplaceable and much of who I am is the direct influence of my sister Nala and my wonderful dad. My sister is the greatest woman I've ever known in my life. That is the main reason why we decided to name our daughter after her and hope she will have those wonderful characteristics someday. My dad has had to make many sacrifices through the years for my sister and I and I will forever be grateful to him. He loves us unconditional and I'm grateful for that.
I thirst positivity in my life. So many of my struggles is fueled from not being able to forgive this and that from the past. I often hear that forgiveness is for thyself more than for the person who has offended us and hurt us in some way. I find that true and I hope in time I can get better with that principle. It's not just forgiving others and being forgiven by who I've offended but a great deal of self forgiveness. That's one of my greatest struggles. It's a never ending battle. To battle yourself over something like that is horrible. It's both mentally and emotionally draining!! It's like being in a mental prison and dying to get out! Mental issues?? Maybe who knows but I believe the only way to better that part of my life is to face those fears and truly forgive myself.
That's where my husband comes in the big ole picture of my crazy life. He has got to be the easiest, forgiving, loving person. I can write a whole book about the wrongs he has been dealt by others yet he's never sour, sad or angry about anything. There's always a smile even when his ear drums are about to bust with my yelling & complaining! I tell you, I'm not deserving of such a wonderful husband but the Lord probably knew how desperate my life needed such a person and our paths crossed. I'm thankful each day for the love and support he gives me. He encourages me to be me and to be proud of the person I am. I wish it were that easy ;((
The last 2 years have been the best years of my life. After years of infertility my husband and I were able to meet the most wonderful fertility specialist, Dr. John Fratterelli in Oahu, who helped us make our baby dreams come true. With lots of prayers from loved ones along with our many, many pleas the Lord willingly blessed us and we became parents to our beautiful daughter who is now 18 months old. She's brought so much joy in such a short time into our lives. I just can't imagine my life without her!! The only other times in my life that I was genuinely happy was the birth of my sister Nala's 3 children. I always say and I believe her kids were indeed my saving graces at that time. I love them just as much as I love my own baby and I would do anything for them.
As I look forward to things that are sure to come I am grateful for all that I do have large or small. I am hopeful and prayerful that good or bad I will take it and apply it in positive ways in my life. I pray to continue to grow as a wife and a mother and that someday my demons won't be sooo loud and possibly find themselves a new home.....
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